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Title: Pasta Night at the Harpers
Author: jsblume
Style/Genre Humor / Send-Up / - Not Listed
Description: A young couple, hungry for dinner, risks their health for a meal.
Notes: The Gotham Writer's Workshop has a Summer Blockbuster contest on right now. All they want is a log line for bad movie idea. I came up with a log line and then couldn't stop thinking about a short script to go with it. So, here it is.

FADE IN

INT. HARPER’S LIVING ROOM – EARLY EVENING

HELEN is sitting on the couch playing computer games. She is a thick woman.

HANK is a portly, balding man. He waddles into the living room through the front door.

HELEN: How was your day, dear?

HANK: Fine, fine. I’m hungry.

HELEN: Hm. Me, too.

HANK: I’m thinking pasta.

HELEN: I could not say no to pasta.

INT. HARPER’S KITCHEN - CONTINUOUS

Hank fills a pot with water and sets it on the stove. Helen walks in as he turns the knob to light the burner. It clicks without doing anything. He takes a closer look and the burner lights in a minor explosion, singeing his eyebrows.

HANK: Ow!

HELEN: Honey, are you alright?

HANK (shaking): Yeah, I think so. I burned my eyebrows.

Helen pulls a tube of ointment out of a drawer and rubs some onto the burn.

HELEN: It doesn’t look too badly burned.

HANK: Thanks.

HELEN: You should put the lid on the pot so the water boils faster.

Hank (smirking): Water always boils at the same rate.

HELEN: Then why does it take less time to boil with the lid on?

HANK: Because it comes to a boil faster. The lid increases the pressure inside the pot, which reduces the temperature at which the water boils.

HELEN: Okay, smarty pants.

INT. HARPER’S KITCHEN – FIFTEEN MINUTES LATER

HANK: Water’s boiling. What kind of pasta do you want?

HELEN (off screen): The kind you’re having.

HANK: We have elbows, penne, egg noodles, linguini. Ooh, egg noodles sound good.

HELEN (off screen): We had those last night. How about penne?

HANK: I’m not crazy about penne. Elbows?

HELEN (off screen): Are they the ones with ridges?

Hank looks closely at the elbows through the cellophane on the front of the box.

HANK: Yep.

HELEN: Sure!

Hank pours some elbows into the pot. The water splashes.

HANK: Ah!

HELEN (off screen): Are you alright?

HANK: The water splashed.

Helen rushes into the kitchen. She rubs ointment onto his burned fingers.

HELEN: The pasta!

They both look at the pot. The flames are licking the sides of the pot and the water is foaming over. Hank jumps into action, turning down the heat and stirring the pasta with a spatula.

HELEN: Whew! That was close! Why does the water foam like that?

HANK: It’s the starch in the pasta. The heat releases it through a chemical reaction.

HELEN: Huh.

INT. HARPER’S KITCHEN – TEN MINUTES LATER

Helen taste tests one of the elbows.

HELEN: Mm! I think they’re about done.

Hank runs into the kitchen.

HANK: Wait! Let me check.

Hank taste tests one of the elbows.

HANK: Yeow! I burned my tongue!
Helen starts to reach for the ointment but thinks twice. She looks at his tongue.

HELEN: It looks okay.

HANK: It hurts. The pasta is not ready, it’s too firm.

HELEN: I don’t like it soft. It’s al dente already.

HANK: That is not al dente! It’s barely cooked. It’s like chewing rubber.

HELEN: That’s better than slurping mush!

HANK: I don’t cook mush.

HELEN: Well, that’s probably what we’ve got now.

Helen taste tests another elbow.

HELEN: Mm. A teensy bit soft, but I can live with it.

Hank taste tests another elbow.

HANK: A teensy bit chewy, but I can live with it.

Hank turns off the burner and carries the pot over to the sink. Helen pulls out bowls and silverware from the cupboards, and then chicken, vegetables, grated cheese, and margarine from the refrigerator.

Hank drains it into a colander, adds some water to the bottom of the pot, sets the colander on top of the pot, and returns the pot to the stove. He then proceeds to gently shake the colander. Additional water drops through the bottom and into the pot.

Hank dishes out equal portions of the pasta into the bowls. He puts some margarine and grated cheese on his and leaves the kitchen with his bowl and spoon.

Helen puts chicken pieces and vegetables on top of her pasta, sprinkles it with cheese, and pops it into the microwave.

INT. HARPER’S LIVING ROOM – CONTINUOUS

Hank is sitting in his recliner watching TV. His empty bowl is sitting on the floor next to him.

Helen enters with her bowl of pasta and sits on the couch.
HELEN: Where’s your pasta?

HANK: It disappeared.

HELEN: You inhaled it.

Helen takes a bite.

HANK: How is it?

HELEN (grimacing): It’s disgusting.

Helen takes another bite.

HANK (burps): That’s what I thought.

FADE OUT

Copyright @2013 by jsblume. All rights reserved.
jsblume has granted JS Blume Publishing™ non-exclusive rights to display this work.

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